If you read my books, you know that I often enhance the English language by creatifying words. My translator, Laura, is upset by this. So I will explain.

I am a Dog. Thus,  I am obviously a master of the most complex language of all, which is (of course) Bark. Next to the subtleties of Bark, English pales.

So I do what I can to help.

I invigoritze English. I colorfy it. I de-borify it. I amplificate it. Sometimes, I even transgobulate it. Otherwise, it’s just the same tired words, over and over, day in and day out. I try to breath some new life into your language. I do my small part.

By contrast, the international language of Bark is usually compared to the beauty of French and Italian, the precision of German, the volatility of Spanish, the tonal subtlety of Mandarin, the hard-to-hear sounds of Bantu, and the universality of Esperanto. It’s something all dogs know and have mastered, but we are sworn to maintain our air of innocence so humans will never know.

Obviously, then, it is the job of the Dog author to bring some of the freshness and excitement of Bark to the staid and dusty world of English. If there was ever a language that needed revigorizing, this is it, and I am the Dog to help.

So, when you read my books and enjoy the brilliance of my linguistical bombshells, you should follow my lead. Try to creatify your speech! Invent a few words. Why not?  I offer you many examples, and hope you will follow.

(Of course, it is also my sworn duty, as a Dog, not to reveal too much about our sophistication, lest humans catch on to the good deal we have. So I must be careful how much I share–I can only lift a tiny corner of the edge of the mystery of dog intelligence.)

But I can say no more!

I offer my linguistical bombification to humans to help open your eyes to the glorificated world of exciteration as the dog see it. It is quite wondrous, and shouldn’t be limited by wordishly boring handcuffers.

And you don’t even have to thank me.

But it would be nice if you would!