My After-Christmastime Gift to You. A FREE Book!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerIf you read my blog, you know I’m a dog who writes books.

But, I’m also a dog with feelings, and today they are very happy feelings!

In fact I am SO happy that I am GIVING AWAY my new book of Whacknoodle family Christmas stories. These are stories that will make you smile, I can say (without bragging!) that humans LOVE my stories.

Some of them even compare me to Dr. Seuss. Or Sneuss. You know who I mean.

I know humans like my books because they are so popular—last Christmas, almost 10,000 people read my happy little Christmas book, and now I have a new one.

AND it’s FREE. Of course you have to have a Kindle to read it, but if you are a reader, youThe Christmas Hayride of Doom: A Funny Dog Book for Kids probably have one. Or a Kindle app, whatever THAT is!

Want this book? Want a few Christmas chuckles? Want to see a child laugh? Want to learn something about dog wisdom?

Want to read about dogs outwitting the witless humans? Again and again?

Well, you can from now until Saturday night for NOTHING! ZILCH! NADA! ZERO DOLLARS! In other words . . . FREE!

Yes, as they say, my loss is your gain, but I am VERY happy about it.

Because I’m a dog-author who is STILL filled with the spirit of happy Christmastime!

Just click on this link, and BANG! By some kind of magic, my book will be there, right inside your Kindle!

Isn’t that wonderful? And it’s STILL free!

AND it will make you smile.

And, smiling at Christmastime is very, very good.

So, have a smile on me, your friendly dog-author

Merry Christmas!

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WOW! The Human Siri LOVED My New Book!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerIt IS Christmas, so I should expect miracles, don’t you think?

Well, a MIRACLE has happened.

This one is about my latest book–The Christmas Hayride of Doom. I modestly admit that it is a wonderful book about my most adventurous dog father, Par, and his efforts to bring Christmas cheer to the people of Dahlonegee.

But–guess who likes my book??!?

The human person who is Siri in the iPhone! That’s who.

You can read what she says right there in the reviews about my book. It is amazing. BK5 COVER_Thumb 179 by 269

Now, as a dog, I do not have, nor need, an iPhone or any of that stuff. I have a human staff to take care of me, but humans get very, very excited when their iPhones talk to them.

(I don’t understand humans. Who does?)

Lately it has become known that the Siri in the tiny little iPhone is really a human person named Susan Bennett. You probably saw her on TV not long ago. It was in the news everywhere.

And NOW this human person, also known as Siri, likes my book! I know because she wrote a review that says so!

I am a very honored dog-author. When you talk to Siri on your iPhone, tell her that I sent big woofs of thanks. VERY big woofs of thanks.

That will make her happy.

And if you get my new Christmas book, which happens to be FREE until the Saturday after Christmas, YOU will be happy, too.

Who is telling you that you should get my book?

Siri is telling you to buy my book!!

How about that? Not bad for your humble dog-author.

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What Would a DOG Know About Christmas Spirit?

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerAs a dog-author, I am a keen observer of my surroundings. I watch. I listen. I think. I sniff out the story, you might say.

So, at Christmastime, I am extra alert, because all the humans seem to go crazy. Together. As a group, you people act in very unusual ways.

You rush, but you talk about calmness. You frown, but you sing about warm-hearted smiles. You give gifts, which should be such a friendly thing to do, but you fight each other in stores over these loving gifts you are buying.

You careen madly around the town, gripping your steering wheels until your knuckles are white, frantically yapping on your cellphones, blowing your horns madly, and racing each other to a parking spot to save a few steps.

THEN, you pack up all your stuff, rush out of town to visit your loved ones, where you fight and argue about unimportant things. I’ll bet some of you even kick your dogs—that is the dogs you haven’t parked in some sterile “pet hotel” somewhere.

So, I observe, and I write my books.

I now have TWO books of Whacknoodle Christmas stories, and I offer them as helpful aids to humans, who seem so stressed out at this time of year, to people who have forgotten how to even smile–much less laugh a big, jolly guffaw.

If Christmas is such a happy time, why don’t I, your observant dog-author, see more happiness?

If it is such a peaceful time, why are you careening madly from place to place? If it is a time to stop and think about important things, I guess you can do that while you’re waiting in line to buy some more ugly plastic junk.

Well, how can I help?

I suggest you read my Christmas books, and I believe they will lift your spirits. The books The Christmas Hayride of Doom: A Funny Dog Book for Kidsare about my most adventurous father, Par Whack, and his untiring efforts to bring joy and happiness to the people of his town, Dahlonegee.

Oh, sure. Par always has trouble with the human authorities. Yes, I know that! Yes, he is chased by the police, the sheriff, the evil dog-catcher (Elrod P. Snodgrass), and his sworn enemy, Mr. Wimpy.

Oh yes, Par has to be alert at all times, even when he is spreading holiday joy and happiness.

But look at the joy Par brings to Dahlonegee! Oh, I know the mashed-potato explosion was not a happy moment for the humans, but it was just a miscalculation by Par–a small errorPerdita Whacknoodle Christmas Book Cover anyone could have made.

And, yes I know that Mr. Wimpy was UNABLE to appreciate the beauty of ‘The Twelve Dogs of Christmas’ quartet and their beautiful rendition of classic Christmas songs.

And, yes, I know that Mr. Wimpy was FURIOUS about Par enjoying his Christmas dinner on the front seat of Mr. Wimpy’s new Cadillac.

Oh, yes, I know that when the dogs took to the stage at the big Christmas festival, the authorities were NOT in a cheerful holiday mood, and I remember that when Par simply wanted to sit on Santa’s knee, it was widely misunderstood, and lead to yet another mad police chase.

And, of course, I know that when Par hopped on that big horse and took Mr. Wimpy and the police on the Hayride of Doom, SOME people didn’t understand the joy of the situation.

(But Par was having a holiday ball, and the children who cheered him with “Go, Dog, Go!” were. AND he got his picture on the front page of the paper. Again!)

So, here’s the thing.

Par does his very best to bring the cheer of the dog, the happiness of the big wag, and the shared music of the season to all the frazzled people of Dahlonegee, and he has vowed that he will do it every year. EVERY year!

Imagine the dedication of this dog, my adventurous father, who will devote himself to helping humans be more joyous and happy at Christmas. He will spare no effort, and will dodge every missile thrown at him! He will evade the police, and sing his songs all the while!

He will never quit, because, as he often says, “Whacks aren’t quitters!” He’ll keep doing everything he can, every year, to help the humans be happier.

And, when you read my books about Par’s wonderful Christmas work, you’ll share the joy, too. You’ll smile.

You’ll laugh. You’ll find a child to read and share his wonderful Christmas stories.

You’ll be happy at the efforts of Uncle Elvis, Woofer, Whizzer, and Par Whack.

You’ll find yourself singing “Fleck the Halls with Bowls of Jello.”

And you’ll be smiling. I KNOW you will.

(And your humble dog-author, me, Perdita Whacknoodle, will be happy for that, too!)

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Deck the Halls? NO! FLECK the Halls! And with FREE Books!!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerI am, of course, excited about giving YOU a free copy of my new book of Whacknoodle family Christmas stories, and I want to tell you about one of the best parts.

My very adventurous dog-father, Par Whack, thought it would be wonderful to do something nice for the humans in his town–Dahlonegee–to help them celebrate Christmas.

That’s because the people all look so angry at Christmas time, rushing around, frowning, blowing their horns, fighting about parking places (if you can believe it!). So, Par found his dog pals from last year–Uncle Elvis, Woofer, and Whizzer–and they decided to do a Christmas The Christmas Hayride of Doom: A Funny Dog Book for Kidsconcert at the town’s big Christmas festival.

They knew that their songs, could ONLY cheer up the frazzled humans.

So, the dogs rehearsed and rehearsed. Of course they still had the two Christmas songs they’d learned LAST year, but Par wanted something special and new. So he took one of those human Christmas songs that doesn’t make any sense, and Par decided to improve it!

Wasn’t that noble? He worked and worked and polished his words until they were perfect. Just like Irving Berlin would have done. Or Cole Porter.

But even better!

The song that Par chose to improve is one with a lot of silly “fa la la” stuff in it that doesn’t really make any sense. So Par poeticized an entirely new set of words. He thought and pondered and contemplated and dreamed, and what he came up with is brilliant.

In fact, I think it is destined to become as famous as Mr. Pogo’s wonderful version, “Deck us all with Boston Charlie!”

BUT I think Par’s is EVEN better, if you can believe it, because Par’s version is ALL about food.

Yes! Par knows that humans eat and eat and eat during the holidays, so he thought HIS version would about food, and he KNEW the people would love it.

Here is how it starts:

Fleck the halls with bowls of jelloBK5_12DOGS_5,

Chili, cookies, cake, and burgers too!

We are hungry for marshmellows,

Bacon, sausage, beef, and eggs and stew . . .

Of course, it goes on, in Par’s brilliance. The new words bring so much joy and wonder and freshness to that song.

As you can imagine, the four dogs, who call themselves “The Twelve Dogs of Christmas,” were VERY excited about their concert. They KNEW that when they put Christmas wraths around their necks and leaped onto the stage, the entire town would go wild and the dogs would be stars!

As you know, I often say that we dogs just can’t understand humans.

And that’s how it was at Dahlonegee’s big Christmas festival that night.

Sadly, when the dogs took the stage and launched right into their song, with Uncle Elvis singing the high part and Par doing the interpretive dance, things just did not go very well.

But don’t worry! As you’ll see when you read my magnificent Christmas book for this year which is FREE until Saturday!!), Par and his dog friends turned it into a wonderful night. Maybe they didn’t get to finish their concert, but believe me–they made the MOST of their time on that stage.

In fact, it was a night the town will NEVER forget!

(And neither will you.)

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They’ll Never Forget The Christmas Hayride of Doom!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerI, your dog-author friend, have a happy announcement that, I believe, will make your Christmas brighter, your spirits happier, your steps easy and your burdens light.

At least that’s what I think my book will do for you! They say I am an arrogant dog, but why not? I have a lot to offer to you humans.

My Christmas gift to you is more wisdom of the Whacknoodle family, a true Whacknoodle Family Christmas extravaganza, and it’s only 99 cents! It’s The Christmas Hayride of Doom! and it’s my fourth book!

I am a very excited dog-author. The Christmas Hayride of Doom: A Funny Dog Book for KidsHyper-wags of joy all round!

Ninety-nine cents! I am amazed! How can that be? My marketing department, which is also my translator, must be crazy.

But it’s Christmastime, so we’ll call it the Whacknoodle Family’s gift to you, the reader.

If you are one of the thousands of people who happily read The Dogs’ Christmas Carol last year, you’ll remember how hard my father, Par, worked to bring the spirit of Christmas to the people of Dahlonegee.

And if you read that book, you know how the dogs’ plans to sing Christmas songs all over town ended up with Mr. Wimpy (Par’s enemy) destroying all the Christmas decorations in his yard as he tried to catch Par.

THAT was a Christmas the town will never forget.

And, of course, there was the massive mashed-potato explosion, which was really just a small calculation error. But if you’ve already read the book, then you know all about that.

Well, for this year, I decided to write more Christmas stories to try to teach humans how to be happier—to be more like dogs. Because, as you know, humans are not happy at Christmastime as BK5_12DOGS_2they rush around, frowning, scowling, and blowing their horns at each other. Here’s a picture from my book that shows what I mean.

THIS year’s happy stories are about the return of ‘The Twelve Dogs of Christmas” dog quartet, and their plans for a really, really big concert. Par even wrote special words to one of your human Christmas songs, and I’ll write about that tomorrow.

For now, I’ll just say that the concert doesn’t go quite as well as the dogs had hoped.

But wait! My family knows how to make the best of any situation, and just because the police arrive doesn’t even put a damper on the dogs’ enthusiasm.

So the good news is that Par and the other dogs evade the police, and put oPar Whackn a spectacular ninja-dog escape show for all the people at the Christmas festival. Right there on the stage, the dogs whiz and leap around, bobbing and doing the ‘stop and scoot’ and all the other fancy escape maneuvers we invented.

Soon, the people are cheering, “Go, Dog, Go! Go, Dogs, Go!” as the dogs whiz around the stage with the bumbling police falling and yelling as they desperately grab for the happy dogs.

(I won’t even tell you what happens to the police chief, but he is lit up in a MOST unusual way, and it serves him right for interrupting the dogs’ concert!)

Then, after more human foolishness, and yet another big police chase, my adventurous and fearless father, Par Whack, takes the police AND his enemy, the pompous Mr. Wimpy, on the Hayride of Doom.

THAT is a night the town of Dahlonegee will never forget, and if you’ll read my new Christmas book, YOU will have a happier Christmas too.

I know you will, because Par Whack’s escapades will make you smile.

And, at Christmastime, especially, all smiles are good, like a gift from Jolly Old St. NickleHouse himself.

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Black Friday? How About Black-and-White Friday?

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerI see that humans are berserk today, rushing around and talking about ‘Black Friday.’ Oh, they say they are getting bargains on more and more stuff. Where will they put it all?

I think they would be happier if they just read my books, and since I’m a black-and-white dog, you might say I have a Black-and-White offer for you today.

It’s much better than the Black-Friday bargains in the stores that make people fight over a crock-pot or a stupid TV.

My black-and-white Friday deal is a FREE book for you.

No need to camp out in front of the store. No need to rush inside. No need to assault your fellow shoppers over the last Play Station. No need to act like a lunatic.

Not at all. To get THIS deal and enjoy the wisdom of the Whacknoodle family, to read about Uncle Bookie, Einstein Noodle, Uncle Rip van Noodle, and my dear outlaw father, Par Whack and his first-ever mega-turkey-snatch, you just visit Mr. AmazonPerdita's Book on iPhone Kindle Reader‘s store and The Thanksgiving Pageant of Doom will magically appear on your Kindle.

I’m a modest dog, you know, but my book is STILL number one. I think I can safely say that reading it will be more fun than fighting other humans for a parking space at the mall.

Yes, I’ll just call it Black-and-White Friday!

And I hope you’ll join me in what I believe is the bargain of the century–no driving, no parking, no lines, no wait. No money required, either.

Just laughs.

 

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Want Something Free for Thanksgiving? How About a Book?

Perdita WhacknoodleWell, I’ve been gone a long time from this blog, and I’m sorry. But you know how busy it is being a dog, not to mention being a successful dog-author, and there are many demands on my time. But I won’t complain–I’m a cheerful dog.BK1 COVER_1200x1800

So, I’ll just tell you. To celebrate Thanksgiving, and my upcoming TWO new books, my very first book The Thanksgiving Pageant of Doom is FREE from now until Sunday! The humans say that is December first, but, whatever—it’s FREE.

AND, I believe it is now number two in my category on Amazon. (Of course, what category could be more important that ‘Children’s Dog Books,’ I ask you.)

So thousands of people are about to be introduced to my amazing family, and my outlaw-dog father, Par Whack, and I believe their human lives will be better for it. After all, I enlighten and enrich, and most of all, I try to teach humans to be as happy as dogs!

In THIS book, his main adventure takes place at the school Par WhackThanksgiving Pageant, and here’s where Par Whack meets Mr. Wimpy, the school principal, for the first time.

Wimpy and Par do NOT like each other, and it gets worse in each of my books.  Mr. Wimpy is very plompous, and he struts around giving orders. Mr. Wimpy

But not to Par! NO ONE gives orders to my dear dog father. You’ll see! Here’s a picture of Mr. Wimpy, so you’ll know him if you ever meet him.

Of course there are many more stories in The Thanksgiving Pageant of Doom to enjoy. You’ll meet Uncle Bookie Whack, Uncle Einstein Noodle, and Cousin Rip van Noodle. And you’ll learn all about the most amazing dog family in the world–the Whacknoodles!

If you, or a child you know, likes dogs, and likes to laugh, then click this link and visit Mr. Amazon’s store for my incredible free book. While you can!

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SOME Humans Get It—I Have Proof!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerYou know I am a dog-author (and a famous one, I should add). But I do depend on my lowly human scribe to do the trivial part—the mere typing and all that easy stuff. I continue to do the hard work, which is thinking.

Well, my scribe has been ‘busy’ lately, so I have not been able to share many of my ponderables with you, but I roused him from his ‘busy’ stupor today to share this with the world. I need to work on his priorities.

Here is my big discovery: SOME humans get it. SOME humans recognize the central beauty and importance of dogs in the world, and celebrate us. I have to photographs to prove it. Woof WEBThe first one comes from a nice human’s car window.

It’s simply a humble ‘Woof, Ya’ll,’ sticker, but it warms my canine soul to see it, and it sends a powerful message, too.

You may know that I live in Atlanta (in the Big Back Yard, to be more precise), and I do bark with a melodious and musical Southern accent. I think it’s nice that us Southern dogs are celebrated this way.

Don’t ya’ll?

signs and pictures WEBThe other picture I offer as proof is from my favorite dog-centered restaurant, the ‘Two Dog Cafe’ in Gainesville, Ga. Now THESE people love dogs the right way. When you see this corner of the restaurant, you’ll want to travel there, I’m sure, no matter where you are. (Hint: their hamburgers are wonderful!)

Not ONLY do they have a wall devoted to paintings and photographs of all kinds of noble dogs, but they post a very wise dog quotation EVERY single week! Can you imagine? Humans wise enough to celebrate dogs every day AND share wonderful wisdoms about us?

It’s enough to cause me to break out in a hyper-wag and super-slobber of joy, and bark a cheerful, ‘Woof, Ya’ll!’

Now, if I can just get my scribe back to work, I’ll be a truly happy dog.

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It’s a Bird! It’s a Plane! It’s . . . a Flying Watermelon

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerAh, the Fourth of July is here. Fireworks! Concerts in the Park! Picnics with glorious food and easy access for a wonderful snatch-and-run or even a quick grab-and-go. No dog goes hungry at a Fourth of July picnic.

Certainly not dogs in MY family!

But my dear father, Par Whack, who is so often misunderstood, resolved to make Par WhackDahlonegee’s Fourth of July Concert in the Park EVEN MORE special. AMAZINGLY special. The people had never seen anything like it because there had never BEEN anything like it.

I can’t say too much, but he formed an elite squad of creative dogs, and they added a dimension to the band concert that took the music to new highs.

They added color and excitement to the evening that caught the entire town by surprised and caused gasps of astonishment . . .  AND SO MUCH MORE.

It won’t be giving away secrets to tell you that Mr. Wimpy was NOT happy. NOT happy at all . . . but he never is when Par is nearby.

You’d think that adding so much color and excitement to the concert would be enough, but Par’s artistic mind never rests, and he and his band of dogs (who called themselves “The Flying Vegetable Squad”) had one more surprise for the already-surprised citizens.

Before THIS night was over the audience at the concert was in a most-excited state of shock and awe.

BECAUSE . . . and youBK2_CH14_2_FINAL‘ll be excited to hear THIS–Par and the dogs capped off the evening with a flying watermelon!

When Par’s artistic imagination is unleashed, wonders will always follow!

Picture, if you can, a beautiful evening with a giant green watermelon shooting high up into the sky, seeming to hang there for a long time, and then descending to land with a SPLAT in the most perfect place you could imagine.

I can’t tell you where it hit . . . but ParThe World According to Perdita Whacknoodle: The Flying Watermelon of Doom said he couldn’t have picked a more perfect spot if he’d tried.

And, GUESS WHAT? This book, The Flying Watermelon of Doom and Other Stories will be FREE from today until Sunday! (I think my scribe has lost his mind, but he believes in sharing . . . and he wants happy children and adults everywhere to be able to read all these inspiring stories from your favorite dog-author.)

Want to know more? (And the “Flying Watermelon of Doom” is just one of the family stories in this book?

It’s FREE today through Sunday! Right here!

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Abandoned . . . For Lasagna! Should I Be Mad?

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerHello, world!

I, Perdita Whacknoodle, your favorite dog author (I’m sure) have been quite absent from my blog for several weeks. I will explain, but I am not happy about it.

As you know, I am a very thoughtful dog and a magnificent dog-author. My three books are loved by people all over the world, and that makes me very happy.

But, as you also know, dogs have paws and computers have keyboards. Therefore I have arranged with an unusual human, who I call my scribe, to translate my thoughts, ideas, stories, and canine revelations into books so humans can learn from me. It is a good partnership–I do the thinking and creating (which, of course, is the hard part), and my scribe merely scrabbles on the computer and turns my gems into books.

So far, so good. He seems happy to help, and I am careful to keep the power of my mental transmissions very low so his brain won’t explode.

We were happily working on my FOURTH book and Nancy, the wonderful artist, was busy turning my fabulous stories into pictures for the world to see, so I was confident that even more fame and fortune was just around the fireplug, so to speak.

And then, WHAM! My scribe and his helper (who he calls his ‘wife’) suddenly, with NO warning, left. Vanished. Vamoosed!

They went to Italy, of all things, and left me here with NO SCRIBE AVAILABLE. I had no outlet for my powerful thoughts except for the evening bark-around.

I had no way, without my scribe, to share my thoughts with the humans who need them.

My scribe obviously has his priorities completely wrong, because he should be more concerned about MY success and MY mental health as a dog-author, than having fspaghetti WEBun gallivanting around Italy for no reason.

Oh, he told me about all the great food. He praised the spaghetti carbonara, the lasagna, the pizza. But, big deal. Why should I care about HIS insalade caprese?

What’s worse, he did NOT bring me even a morsel of the lasagna, nor even a noodle of spaghetti! Sure, he has pictures, but they have no smell and don’t do anything for me!

Campo dei Fiori WEBTHEN he had the gall to tell me that Italians love dogs and he saw a LOT of dogs over there. He even made pictures of them, as if that would make everything OK.

I am, honestly, very lucky that my brain did not explode like a watermelon falling off Farmer’s truck because of the pressure of all my unreleased stories while he was gone. But, did he care? Did he?

No! Believe it or not, he keeps talking about the food in Italy, of all things. Can you believe I was abandoned in the midst of my creative burst, for lasagna? (I think it’s sort of sad how humans ONLY think about food. Thank goodness dogs are not like that at all.)

So, I will punish him for a while longer, and then we will get right back to work on my next opus, May Contain Nuts, in which my young translator, Laoorel, tries to get “the truth” out of me.

Dog against human. Obviously not a fair fight, intellectually, but I keep it simple for her, and for my scribe, too. Maybe . . . just maybe . . . I can get him back into his productive mode and finish this long-awaited book.

But first I have to stop him from talking about lasagna.

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