Would a dog steal 800 bags of dog food? I think not! For one thing, why would we want it?

I was perusing the news today and saw the alarming story that someone–humans, I assume–had stolen 800 bags of dog food.

As a dog, I have some observations that may help the police;

1. A dog would NEVER have stolen 800 bags of dog food because dogs are not thieves. Of course, we might grab a bite here and there, and in my books I explain how my adventurous father, Par, takes the popular “snatch and run” to an entirely new level.

BUT we only borrow food for our own use. At the moment of hunger.

2. More importantly, is there ANYTHING a discerning dog would eat that comes in a BAG? I think not! So, that is another reason no dog would have stolen the 800 bags. As I have said before, most recently in my acclaimed Dog Manifesto, dogs do NOT want to eat cereal, kibble, gruel, grits, oatmeal, porridge, bran, barley, corn, wheat, rice, or any such concoction, no matter how much you flavor it with meat-like chemical tastes.

We are not fooled. Yes, dogs will often be forced to eat these meat-substitutes to avoid starvation, but it is NOT our choice.

No! WE want meat! I would think humans would know this by now but, sadly, some humans just don’t get it.

3. We dogs will never understand humans. This is also one of the themes of my books, as I try to educate my human translator–(and believe me, it’s a hard job to educate a human).

I am a very smart dog, possibly the smartest ever, but I do not understand why someone would lug 800 heavy bags of unpalatable dog cereal from a warehouse into a truck.

Or . . . maybe . . . just maybe . . . they are planning to destroy it in the interest of dogs’ true culinary interest.

We can hope.