New Words For All. Free!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerAs you know if you read my books, I am a dog on a mission to uplift and educate humans.

This is a big task, even for a dog of my abilities.

I chose a young human to be my translator instead of an adult for obvious reasons—you can still teach a young human but old ones just can’t learn anything new. All dogs know this.

One way I try to enlarge the human brain is by inventing new words. It’s a little exercise—maybe like a simple stretch. Of course I wouldnA Few of Perdita's Words‘t try to teach a human to speak Bark—it couldn’t be done.

So, I start with puppy steps—just trying to see the world afresh by making up some nice, new words.

After all, why use the same boring words all the time? My finely-tuned dog-brain rebels at the very thought!

However, when I make up new words, my human translator, whose name is Laura (though I call her ‘Laoorel) always complains.

That’s not a word, Perdita,” she says. “You have to use real words.”

That’s not a word! Can you believe it? She’s just a little human, but they are already closing up her mind with a wall of ‘don’ts.’

Real words . . . give me a break!

Well, why aren’t my linguistical creations real words? Why are my words not as good as any others? I call ‘Laura’ by a much better name because it sounds so much better—more musicish, more melodyful, more warmish. Laoorel, you see, is better than mere Laura.

Do you see how wonderful it is to make up words to express yourself? It unboxes the brain. It flings wide your brain-doors. It unwalls your ears.

Why would you WANT to be squashed and borificated by the same old human words day after day, year after year? (Or hemmed in by the same places, or smells? Or sounds?)

I don’t!

I’m a dog, and to me the world is always new, fresh and exciting. I am NOT bored. Dogs do not even know what “bored” means. It’s not in the Bark dictionary.

Why not follow my brilliant lead and invent a few words today? It will help you be as creative as your dog is. Sort of. It will be a start, anyway.

Of course there is much more you could do to learn to live as free as a dog, but I KNOW you won’t get down on your dog’s level to look at things from a new perspective, and I KNOW you’ll think this is silly, since you are probably a human with a brain boxed in by all those years of “don’ts.”

But, just read my books and try to do things, think things, see things, hear things—even SMELL things in a new way. (I’m sorry about that last one because I know your human nose knows so little . . . but you can TRY!)

Here’s a nice little example of what I mean. When you see a beautiful flower, why call it the same old thing? Instead of calling it a “pretty yellow flower,” couldn’t it be a yellowbomb? Or a flasherific colorized vision of wonderfullness?

Those are simple wordbombs, but they are a start.These are not even new words, but just inventifications of new clombinational-combobulations of a wordmash.

No more boring words might lead to no more boring people! That’s my goal.

If you unleash your brain and think like a dog and see the wonder all around WEB Got It Again!every day, then maybe you can even BE as happy as your dog.

Wouldn’t that be great?

Wouldn’t it be bebobbled wondermushed? Wouldn’t it be excellojello? Wouldn’t it be splasherific?

Well . . . wouldn’t it?

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Have You Ever Seen a More Noble Dog?

Perdita WhacknoodleIf you read my books and this blog, you know how important my dashing dog father, known far and wide as Par Whack, has been in my development as a thoughtful young dog writer.

Par is a true hero. A dog who knows his own mind and who does exactly–exactly!–as he pleases. A dog who often–VERY often–runs afoul of human rules and petty laws. Thus, Par is a dog who is on ‘Most Wanted’ lists all over the country.

Par is an adventurer, you know. He hates boredom, and is always out and about, sniffing out the next big adventure, always alert for a vehicle to borrow and drive, always aware of food that is easily snatchable. We never know where he will pop up for his next caper.

Because Par is such an vagabond and hero, I actually have not seen him in quite a while, but I hear news about his escapades very often in the evening Bark-Around-Newscast. Par sets the standard for the uber dog-about-town.

So, it was with utmost pleasure that I saw this framed painting of his noble visage. Yes! It’s Dog Napoleon Castle Lady Hawk WEBPar in some kind of military regalia. It was hung in a place of honor in a regular Castle, too–Castle Lady Hawke, way up in the North Carolina mountains.

I ask you–if the owners of a Castle–a real castle with turrets and winding staircases, have a big portrait of Par hanging in a place of honor, isn’t that something? Isn’t it a certain sign that my family is filled with the noblest dogs?

Have you ever seen a more impressive dog visage? Or a more impressive uniform? Napoleon could only wish for a head of hair like Par’s.

Imagine! Par, in his infinite adventures, has become a dog general. Or maybe a viscount. Perhaps he’s even a duke. And a famous one, too.

I am so proud to be a Whacknoodle!

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My Best Stories . . . Free for Just A Little While

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerAs you know, I am an esteemed dog-author, and I have strong opinions.

My mission, which I accept, is to help raise humans to the level of dogs. It’s very difficult since humans are slow learners, but I don’t give up.

My books show how I work with my translator, Laoorel, to keep her from becoming just another boring human. I strive to enlighten her through stories, just like all great teachers and leaders have done through history. Plato. Plutarch. Perdita.

She, and you, can learn from reading about Par, Mar, and all my lustrious relatives.

So, we can agree that what I teach is priceless wisdom. The wisdom of the ages. Passed down through generations of very wise Noodles and highly-active Whacks. Priceless!

That’s why I am can NOT understand why my human scribe has agreed to make my second masterpiece, The World According to Perdita Whacknoodle: the Flying Watermelon of Doom, FREE today.

It is such a brilliant book! I ask you–how can it be FREE? How can learning about Par Whack and Mar Noodle, and Cousin Speedo be FREE? How can my fabulous description of Par’s artistic contribution to the 4th of July concert be FREE?Perdita's Book on Kindle Fire

What on earth is my scribe thinking? This book is so valuable that we should RAISE the price–but he has colluded with Amazon.com to make if FREE.

Of all things!

Oh, well. There is nothing I can do about it. If you want to be enlightend, enwisdomed, resmarted, hypereducated, ultra-amused, happified, AND pick up some secret dog wisdom–FREE!–you can get this wonderful book of mine today only. FREE.

Here it is!

My scribe says humans are on vacation now-and they’ll want some reading to educate their children and keep them happy.

Well, my book will do that! For some reason, humans think my wisdom is funny, which I do NOT understand. And I am STILL bewildered that all my work, the wisdom of the ages collected in one fantastic book, is FREE.

But . . . it is.

Just remember: all this FREE Whacknoodle enlightenment ends tonight, July 7, at the stroke of midnight!

Want my book? Click here and scarf it right up!

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What SHE Said!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerAs you know, I am a dog author. A deep thinker who does not mind sharing my thoughts with humans as I try to uplift them and teach them how to be more like dogs.

I do have a staff to help me–I call him my scribe. I have written before about how he sometimes pretends to have “other things” to do, and how he sometimes takes a long time to “edit” my books.

As if they need “editing!” Indeed!

Well, another nice human who has a blog about all kinds of books, called the Readful Things Blog, has interviewed my scribe about my books. I guess that’s OK, and I’m glad for him, but you MUST remember that he gets his inspiration direct from ME, Perdita Whacknoodle.

Here is my scribe’s interview. I must say that, for a human, he did OK. I trained him well, don’t you think? I mean, for a human, he’s coming along nicely.

And the nice lady who operates that blog clearly appreciates dog wisdom because she’s spreading the word about my books!

What could be better?

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Watch, Play, Learn!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerOnce again, my human scribe was in his favorite restaurant–the one with the brilliant name.  Two Dog Cafe. And he saw a bit of human philosophy that he shared with me.

I must admit I had a chuckle when I saw this picture, because so MANY humans rush around frantically visiting their doctors and gulping handfuls of medicines. They try harder and harder to get healthy, but I think they are looking in the wrong places.

Maybe, as this brilliant quotation says, what they need to do is spend time with a dog. WE Blood Pressure WEBhave it all figured out, you know, and we are willing to share our happiness and love with any human.

Sadly, too few humans seem to understand this, and even many humans who live with dogs miss the point. All you have to do is watch us, play with us, learn from us.

And be more like us, of course. As this brilliant sign says, it will help your blood pressure. Maybe you won’t need those sleeping pills. Maybe you won’t be depressed any more.

And for this all-natural treatment, you don’t need an appointment or pre-clearance from some stupid insurance company.

So, sit down with you dog today. Scratch behind his ears. Go out to the park and run. Lie on the ground and wrestle. Throw some sticks. Share a hamburger.

Wag more. Bark less. You’ll feel better!

(I may change my name to “Dr. Whacknoodle.” What do you think?)

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The Wisdom May Have Come Through a Human, But . . .

Perdita WhacknoodleI’m not a dog with an ego, even though I think I’m one of the best dog authors around.

I spend hours every day under my bush, deep in thought and contemplation, working on my ideas and stories. Then I blast my thought-particles into Laura’s brain, because her brain can take the power without exploding. She’s in the fourth grade.

(Any adult human brain would explode from the power of my thoughts because adult human brains are set in concrete. You can’t train an adult human. Every dog knows this. That’s why I chose Laura, who is a little girl, to receive my thought-particles.)

By the way, I call her Laoorel because it sounds better.

So, I transmit my thoughts every day. Laoorel writes them in her notebooks and then she gives these notebooks to her human dad. He makes books out of my wisdom so people all over the world can benefit.

NOW there is a new page on Amazon that lists HIM as the “author.” Like I said, I am not an ego-driven dog, but I want to be sure that he remembers where the inspiration, the thoughts, the wisdom, the hard work, and all the stories come from.

They come from me, Perdita Whacknoodle. Laoorel is my human translator, and her father is only the facilitator. ONLY the helper.

Author page? Shouldn’t that be ME, Perdita? Here it is, with HIS picture on it. See what you think.

I hope he doesn’t get conceited because Amazon calls him the “author.”

Because I, Perdita, did all the heavy lifting and hard thinking. Just remember that when you read my books. It might have come THROUGH a human, but the wisdom came FROM a dog.

 

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Snatch a Steak, Save a Life . . . Or Two!

Perdita WhacknoodleAs you know, I’m a dog who cares about my friends and family.

So I’ve been concerned about their health, and how I might help them avoid illness. I’m just that kind of thoughtful dog.

Of course, I sometimes think about my own food, and the things I really like to eat. What always comes to my mind is steak!

Oh, yes! Even though I don’t often have the chance to enjoy a big, juicy, perfectly-cooked steak, I am always alert for opportunity. If you’ve read my books, you know how much I learned about living the good life from my dear father, Par Whack.

But, this is not about me and my love for steak. Not at all.

I know my humans are obsessed about their health. They yap on and on about their cholesterol, their fat, their weight, and their diets. (You’ll never hear dogs moan about such stuff, by the way.)

Often, they even complain that they eat too much meat, which is something I don’t even try to understand. Utter foolishness, of course.

So, as a way to help them maintain their silly diets, or control their cholesterol, AND help them eat less meat, I performed a perfect snatch-and-run last night. It was a thing of beauty and a joy to behold, I’m sure, and I owe my flawless technique to many hours watching Par in action.

I’ve described many snatch-and-runs in my books (and also some simple grab-and-go events, too), so I won’t go into the details here except to say that the SNR is an advanced technique that requires much study and practice.

The key, of course, is the art of misdirection. You don’t want the humans to have any inkling of what you’re planning, or they’ll put you out in the yard. So, as an example, last night they had some friends over, cooked gigantic steaks on their grill, and I pretended not to even notice what they were doing.

I’m no dummy, you know. Even though it was very, very hard, I pretended to be fast asleep and when they all finally went inside for dinner, I lay on the rug by the door and pretended to snore. I waited until they were lulled into a sense of utter complacency, not even noticing me, and then I pounced!

I’m not a small dog, but I’m very fast! Before the humans had a clue what was going on, I stood up by the table on my hind legs, did a small jump, and snatched a perfect steak right off one of the guest’s plates. Boy, were they surprised!

Also they were mad, of course, but before they even realized what I’d done, I was out the back door, behind my favorite bush, doing a hyper-speed-chomp.

As I expected, the humans rushed out of the house looking for me. By the time they found me, I’d finished that steak. Though the meal was hurried, it was very, very good.

Oh, they were mad. Very, very mad. They said some ugly things, but a full stomach makes it easier to bear harsh words.

(Another important thing I learned from Par is this–soon, the humans will get over it. It will just take a day or two, and they’ll forget all about my magnificent snatch!)

But I’m telling you the truth when I say that I think I did them a favor, which makes their anger hard to understand. IF they worry about eating too much meat, which is what I hear them say all the time, didn’t I help them by removing temptation from their dinner plate?

Shouldn’t they be thanking me? Because it is very possible that the steak I snatched saved that person from a fat and cholesterol overload that might have ended her life.

And, to tell you the truth, I thought I’d die if I didn’t have a steak last night, after savoring the wonderful aroma while they were cooking. So, I think I saved that human’s life AND my own.

That’s two lives saved! I’m not bragging, but I do think it was a good deed I did.

And I know it was a good steak!

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Isn’t It Nice To Think So?

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerAs a prolific dog author, I am always alert to what is going on around me. I believe it’s much like the way Mr. Hemingway or Mr. William Faulkner gathered their material. Watching and listening. And thinking, of course.

So, when my scribe put THIS sign up over his desk, I watched and wondered.Dog-Spoken-Here-WEB

Of course, I’m pleased that he’s making an attempt to learn our beautiful language of Bark, but we all know that the little human brain is very limited. Not to mention human ears (which are sad excuses for ears, if you ask me). Pathetic.

Thus, we know that my scribe, being locked into his humanness, could never hear the subtlety and beauty of the noble, universal Language of Bark. He can try, and I give him an ‘A’ for effort, but . . . . really, it’s quite sad.

One of my great pleasures is going out into the Big Back Yard and listening to the Evening BarkAround Newscast. Oh, sometimes it just the usual neighborhood stories, the same squirrel sightings and cat alerts as always, but SOMETIMES there is a news flash. Or a report from a distant dog about something exotic and new.

And I always savor the sonorous beauty of Bark, the lilting phrases, the catchy cadences, the tonal nuance that only dogs’ ears can hear and appreciate. Some have compared Bark to Italian or French, but I think it’s much more complex than those provincial human concoctions.

Sadly, then, my scribe will never be able to hear or understand such wonders as we dogs take for granted. He’ll never know the connotations, or even the denotations, of a single Yip. But . . .at least he’s trying.

And he’s hung that sign above his desk to make him feel better about his attempts.

Oh, yes, I often hear him barking into the telephone when he’s trying to cut through the horrible human computer telephone systems. When he does that, he really believes he’s speaking Bark, because his barking gets him right through to a human operator. But I know, and now you know, that it’s just not so.

I’m not going to tell him. I won’t be the one to burst his bubble. I’ll just let him be happy in his delusion that he understands more about dogs than he ever truly could. Sometimes it’s better not to interrupt a full-blown delusion, you know.

And, if my scribe needs to believe that he speaks Bark, it’s OK. It makes him feel better, and that’s what counts.

Because, after all . . . he’s only human. And he needs all the help he can get.

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It’s Not Real Food . . . But It’s Nice

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerLook what I found while walking through the neighborhood! A very pleasant bowl of bones for us dogs do enjoy. Fake bones, to be sure, but it’s a nice thought, and even fake bones are edible.

Just when I despair of humans, and worry that you are mostly beyond hope, I’m happily surprised to find a small treasure like this.Roadhouse Snacks WEB

When such a useful surprise appears, it reminds me that there ARE lots of very nice humans, such as the fine people at the American Road House in Atlanta. THEY put out snacks for dogs to enjoy while we wait on their humans to go inside and stuff themselves silly.

That shows us that the folks at the Roadhouse are going beyond the selfishness of most humans by showing the world how much they care for dogs. That’s nice!

Another day, I’ll address the manifest unfairness of humans eating hamburgers and steaks at the Road House while dogs must sit outside, chomping on these little fake bones made of compressed gruel of some sort and meat flavoring.

But not today. Today I’m very happy to see the bowl of bones, even though they are not really bones.. Today, it’s the thought that counts. (And even fake bones are better than no bones, I think you’d agree.)

So we dogs will happily wait for you, chomping on cereal bones while you have steaks or chops or ham or bacon. And we don’t really mind too much, as long as you bring us a bit of burger as a reward for waiting!

A mouthful of nice, real meat to cover the taste of the cereal. A small hunk of ham, or a bit of bacon, or even a slice of steak would be most welcome, you know. Because the bowl of artificial bones is nice . . . but it’s not the real McCoy. We’ll certainly eat these “bones,” but we aren’t fooled for a minute!

We want a real snack

You didn’t forget THAT, did you? That little taste of burger for us? That reward for waiting?

Because, if you forgot the burger snack, if you didn’t bring me some of the real meat that smells so good, well, you won’t be the person you think I think you are.

Be warned: if you forgot my meat snack, you’ll just be another human, and NOT the hero you think I think you are.

But, a few bites of that wonderful Roadhouse burger, and you will be a hero! The very one you THINK I think you are!

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If They’d Do This to a Human, We Dogs Better Watch Out!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerMy human scribe and I were walking through the neighborhood when we spotted this demolished sign in the middle of the road.

According to my scribe, it says

State Law: Stop for Pedestrians in Crosswalk

Or, at least that’s what it said before some human zooming down the street ran over the sign! So much for being careful.

This made me think. (Well, of course, everything makes me think. That’s why I am a dog writer.)

If the humans are in such a hurry that they have to run over their own signs, goodness knows what they’d do to a human who happened to be crossing the street.

Or . . . I can hardly bear to think about it . . . to an unfortunate dog. smashed pedestrian sign in middle of road

Humans are odd. We all know that, and when you read the stories in my books, you’ll see many examples of human nuttiness.

And now, lying in the middle of the street, is evidence of dangerous they can be. So, attention dogs! Watch out for the crazy humans driving the big cars.

Unlike dogs, who stop to smell the roses along the way, these humans are crazily careening through life, looking not to the right or the left.

And, judging by this smashed sign, not looking at the road in front of them, either.

We are warned! On guard!

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