Fill Your Kids’ Kindles With My Third Book . . . And It’s FREE!

Yes! For soPerdita Whacknoodleme reason that I don’t understand, my scribe has persuaded Amazon.com to let the world have my third book FREE. Today, and tomorrow, and Wednesday, too. (He says that’s February 11, 12, and 13th.)

You might wonder why such a valuable book is free. I certainly do. I poured my heart into these stories, and they are filled with dog wisdom and exciting dog stories you just won’t find anywhere else.

You’ll learn about how Par Whack taught the evil dogcatcher a lesson on the night I was born, and about how Par stole the big garbage truck in Dahlonegee. You’ll learn about the time Farmer took our entire dog family on a fabulous vacation, and what exciting things happened when he forgot us in the middle of the city. The World According to Perdita Whacknoodle: The Flying Watermelon of Doom

You’ll read about how my dog father, Par, saved the championship football game, and you’ll read the long and VERY exciting story of Par’s artistic masterpiece that he created for the people of Dahlonegee. I’ll just say that it involved airborne fruits and vegetables, and a watermelon that was shot from a cannon.

It was a night the people of Dahlonegee will never forget, and all because of Par!

Strangely, the adult humans never appreciated Par’s efforts, but the kids who read my books love all the explosions, chases, and very satisfying crashes just as much as I do!

And that’s a lot. Because . . . you really don’t want your life to be boring, do you?

I know I don’t. That’s why I write these exciting books.

And, good grief! Today it’s FREE!

 

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Could Reading My Books Save Your Furniture? I Think So!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerI keep my eyes open as I go about my daily life, and gather material for my books, and for this blog, of course.

I am an especially observant dog.

So, when I saw this displayed, it made me think.

While I, personally, do not feel bad at all about my living situation, I know that many dogs feel trapped by the unaware, sadly limited, humans they live with. If humans would simply open their minds and eyes (and brains, of course) to the wisdom of the dog . . . we could all be happier. Going Insane WEB

Since I am a dog writer, I spend my time thinking, and working on my next book. I find fulfillment in helping humans, educating them, uplifting them, and perhaps (they say) even entertaining them.

So, I do NOT feel bad when a human gives me a squeak toy. I realize, sadly, that it just shows their limited imagination.

If only . . . if only they would read my books and learn to see the world from our point of view . . . well, everyone would be happier! The dogs in your life would be much less frustrated, I’m sure.

And, who knows? Perhaps some furniture might be saved!

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“TGIF??” What Difference Does THAT Make?

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerI’ve noticed another funny thing about humans.

They seem very interested, almost obsessed, with what day of the week it is. I have heard them say things like, “Oh, no–it’s Monday!” Is there something wrong with Monday?

Or, they have a name for Wednesday. I believe they call it “Hump Day,” though I am not going to ask why. I believe they are happy that it is the middle of the week, for some reason.

And, then, of all things, they have a code that all humans seem to understand. They say, “TGIF!” and they smile at each other. Sometimes they even whap their hands together to show how happy they are.

FINALLY, when the “weekend” finally arrives, they are very happy. The plan things or they sleep late. Dog's weekend plansThey go out to movies or go on trips. It seems like “weekends” are a big deal to humans.

But NOT to us dogs. It’s just another way we are superior to humans, of course, because to dogs, every day is like a Saturday!

Or Sunday. Take your pick.

So when we hear humans moaning, saying things like , “Oh, I HATE Monday mornings,” we just marvel. WE don’t hate Monday mornings!

To us dogs, Monday is just another Saturday!

Poor humans. Happy dogs!

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What Humans Can Learn From Dogs–Barking Up the Phone Tree!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerOne of my themes, as a dog writer, is that humans should learn from dogs. Oh, of course humans are sadly limited, and sometimes there’s not much they can learn but it’s our obligation to try to help them.

So, imagine how happy I am to report that my human scribe is trying to speak Bark!

AND that it’s working for him! Now, every time he calls AT&T or his bank or the cable TV company, I can hear him barking into the phone.

(Of course, ANY dog would be embarrassed to make such pathetic attempts. Humans, perhaps, can learn French or Italian, or maybe even Chinese . . . but those languages are simple compared to the complexity and tonal sublety of Bark.)

Nonetheless, here’s what I heard over my scribe’s speakerphone yesterday.

Computer voice from the phone: “Thank you for calling AT&T. Please press one for English. . .”

My scribe: “Bark, BARK, BARK!!”

Computer voice: “Please press one for customer service, two to get your latest . . .”

My scribe: “WoofWoofWoof! Yap, Yap, BAAAAARRK!PRESS ONE web

Computer voice: “Please press one for customer service, two to get your latest . . .”

I was sad about my scribe’s pathetic accent, of course, but I give him credit for trying such a difficult language. He didn’t give up!

My scribe: “Barrk! BARK! BAARRRKK!!!”

Computer voice: “I’m sorry. I cannot understand you. Please hold for an attendant who can help.”

And then my scribe smiles and very soon a nice human answers and my scribe doesn’t Phone WEBhave to punch any more numbers of wait very long.

I WISH he could pick up more of the beauty of Bark, of course, and his accent will never be better than sort of a pidgin level of Bark . . . but he IS trying to speak our language.

I don’t know why, but humans seem to resist learning from us, so it makes me very happy to see my scribe has learned how effective persistent barking can be at getting what you want.

EVEN from a stupid human computer!

BARK rocks!

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Editing, Schmediting. What’s With the Comma Obsession?

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerOK, I am a dog. A dog-author, to be exact. My methodology is simply to transmit my thought-particles into my translator’s somewhat limited human brain. Then he does all that busy-work to turn my pristine thoughts and stories into books.

Seems easy enough to me. I’ve done the heavy lifting. I’ve finished the hard part. I’ve just handed him the brilliant, exciting, uplifting, possibly humorous stories on a silver platter, as it were.

So, you’d think the book would be finished. A piece of cake. A done deal. Wham, bam, thank you ma’am.

But alas. Not so. It’s agony and we go through this every time.

I ask, “Is my masterpiece finished?” And my scribe says, “Oh, no, Perdita! We are just beginning the hard part.

“The editing.”

I think that is a little insulting, don’t you? WHY would my stories need editing? What is THAT all about? I believe the hard part is what I do–the heavy lifting is coming up with the stories in the first place.

My scribe sighs as if this is really hard to explain. “Oh, Perdita, we have to go over everything several times. We have to replace weak words with better words, and fix the punctuation, especially the commas.

The commas? The commas? “ESPECIALLY the commas?”

Well, whatever. I take it as just another way we dogs are superior. Humans worry about minutia, such petty things as commas. But dogs don’t.

We dogs, of course, are above all that. We just communicate pure thoughts, and if humans want to waste time worrying about “commas,” well, I guess that’s OK. It’s probably the best they can do.

If it makes them feel useful, or important, or productive, then I guess the obsession with words and punctuationals, and all that stuff, is just something I’ll have to live with.

But I know that, sooner or later, my scribe will finally be done, the brilliant artist will be complete her illustrations, and my next book will burst forth to transform the world and enlighten humans everywhere.

And cause lots of giggles from the back seat. I don’t understand exactly what that means, but my scribe swears it’s what’s happening.

He may still be obsessing about commas, but now at least we have a TITLE for the next book, and it’s one my scribe picked out by himself. I’m proud of him.

So, coming soon to a Kindle (and, in this case, Nook, or iPad, Kobo or whatever) near you will be my fourth most excellent book.

It’s called May Contain Nuts.

But, this time, that’s not a warning. It’s a promise!

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MORE Proof! SOME Humans Get it.

Like any writer, human or canine, I keep my eyes open as I travel.

Sometimes, my human friends help by making pictures of important things, like this sign.Dogs walk web

I love the Two Dog Cafe, and so does my human scribe. The food, of course, is great BUT the dog-appreciation is even more inspiring. It’s philosophy at its best.

Sadly, it is rare to find humans who appreciate the superiority of dogs. I don’t know why, and I write books to explore this them. After centuries of evidence, you’d think the truth would dawn on the two-leggers, wouldn’t you?

But, at Two Dog Cafe in Gainesville, GA, the humans get it! Spread the word and believe the message!

Dogs rule! (Or . . . we should!)

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Dog Heaven, Also Known as ‘The Beach’

A boy and his dogMy humans went to the beach and took me. It was a huge, extreme, hyper-wagish, wonderful amount of fun. And all us dogs had a magnificent time!

A barking good time.

A  running and splashing good time. A tennis-ball chasing and retrieving good time.Web I see it!

The humans, strangely, were afraid to go in the water because they said it was “too cold.”

What a bunch of weaklings!

Once again, it just proves the superiority of our species–because we come with a perfect fur coat as standard equipment! We weren’t cold. Not at all!

Not that I’m bragging, of course. I’m just sayin.’

WEB Let's Go!

What could be better or more fun than a day or a weekend at the beach?

(Well, OK. I think living at the beach would be better.)

I’m pretty sure the humans had a good time, though they didn’t romp and run, and they sure didn’t go into the water. But they seemed to be having fun (though with humans it can be hard to tell since they can’t wag and their smiles may not be true).

Now I wish they would tell me why we had to come back to the city. Maybe they’re wondering that, too.

Actually, I think they are.

WEB Fun!

 

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Garbage Trucks, Tractors, and Trains–To Go!

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerIf you’ve read my books, you know all about my swashbuckling, adventurous, criminal father, Par Whack, who is proudly featured on “Most Par Whack, the "Most Wanted Dog"Wanted Dog” signs everywhere. He’s wanted by police, sheriffs, and evil dogcatchers, and maybe even the FBI.

Par refuses to be bored, so from time to time he borrows a large vehicle for excitement. Some call it “stealing,” but that’s such a harsh word. Par always has a purpose in mind. Always.

The World According to Perdita Whacknoodle: The Flying Watermelon of DoomIn my second book, The World According to Perdita Whacknoodle: The Flying Watermelon of Doom, there’s an exciting story about the time Par stole a big garbage truck. You probably didn’t know a dog could do that, but nothing is too hard for Par. Nothing!

Now that I have struck out on my own and no longer live in the country with Farmer’s family, I don’t see Par very often, but he is legendary. Of course, I keep up with his exploits and adventures through the evening Bark-around newscast. Par is often the lead item.

That’s why I was so excited to see a human news story on TV about someone stealing a TRAIN in Sweden. I’m not exactly sure where “Sweden” is, or exactly what it might be, and I don’t think Par was involved this time, but if he saw the story I’m SURE the wheels are turning in his brain.

Mine, too. You can expect an exciting chapter in a future book featuring a freight train, roaring down the track, with a very happy dog at the controls, leaning casually out the window, ears flying in the breeze, tongue hanging out, smiling and waving at the astonished humans.

That will be Par. Stay tuned! He may not have been involved with the train theft in Sweden, but he’ll be behind one in an upcoming book in my series. You can count on that!

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What Are These People Telling You About My Book?

Here are some direct quotes from Amazon reviews for my book, The World According to Perdita Whacknoodle: Two Christmas Stories

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerThis is what readers say about my third book. It makes me such a happy dog that I didn’t even fix their spelling! I love my readers and I’ll give them a huge lick of happiness and a power-wag when I meet them.

(And, oh yes, I DO make up words. I creatify and de-borify the English language because my words are better. You’ll see!)

the dog didn’t really know any words like the people in the awesome story of imagination

and thank you for the story

My kids and I really love all of the Perdita Whacknoodle stories

Sure to enjoy at any age.

much imagination as well as interesting vocabulary

This book would be wonderful for children but even as an adult I loved it. It made me Perdita Whacknoodle Christmas Book Coverlaugh and that is not an easy thing to do. I would even call this book a “joyful read!”

I especially loved Perdita’s malaprops, and the lunatic adventures of her Par

Loved it. Wish I had a dog like that. Amazing!!!!!!

This book is a very good book. What I like about this book is it shares a lot of detail with u and opens up with the reader in so many ways

Very funny i liked it a lot i luv explosions and guns it was also cool how Laura could here perditas thoughts

don’t think it is long enough for me I want more Christmas disasters from Pereira and par

My child liked this book because he loved Perditas words and language. It was funny enough for my hyperactive monkey to stick around and listen to the whole book.

it wasn’t boring or slow. Thanks.

5.0 out of 5 stars The greatest book ever,

I love this book a lot

I would love to read all the books she has out.The Twelve Dogs of Christmas Canine Carol Singers

Fantastic!
I love this book!
It is awesome!
I hope that I can read the rest of the series!

Farmer Puts a Wrath on His Tractor. . . clever wordplay will remind you of what you loved in Lewis Carroll and Dr. Seuss, and the playful illustrations are of that top quality, too. Delight yourself and a young loved one with this charming, whacky book.

It’s funny, the life lessons are clear, and any dog lover has seen a little bit of Perdita in every pooch they own.

Want to see what these readers are talking about? You can, for less than a dollar! Click here to enjoy my two Christmas chapters before another minute passes. (If you like to laugh, that is.)

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We Dogs Should Raise Our Fees

Perdita Whacknoodle, dog poet and dog writerI’m trying to teach humans how to be more like dogs. That’s why I’m writing my books and this blog.

Why not? We are dogs happier. And I think we have a lot to teach you.

So, I was happy to see a sign in my favorite restaurant (Two Dog Cafe, Gainesville, GA), pointing out another aspect of our infinite superiority. It’s just another way we help humans.

Oh, I know that humans spend a lot of time trying to be happy. I know they go to doctors, Dog psychologist signpsychologers, psychistristicals, councilliators, and preachifyers to try to get better. And I know they have all kinds of books and DVDs and programs and groups to help them. Even with all this, they don’t seem all that happy to me.

But, like this brilliant sign says, there’s nothing like a friendly lick from a happy dog to improve a human’s mood.

I think we should raise our rates.

Don’t you?

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